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Alison Cook looks back at 1997: The Year That Bit

Continued from page 1

But they were really, really big French fries
Two Aeros hockey players -- indicted for assaulting police in a drunken bar brawl in which food, food baskets and chairs were alleged to have sailed through the air -- griped that only a few French fries had been thrown.

It made pretty good Chupacabras, too
Four NASA volunteers in a Clear Lake City test chamber shared 30 gallons of water a day, recycling every drop -- including their own urine -- into showers, drinking water and clothes-washing water.

We were with you until the broccoli cole slaw
Chronicle columnist Ken Hoffman ran the following recipe for "Aunt Joycie's Doggie Birthday Cake": Mix together 2 large cans of dog food, 2 cups of cooked rice and one-half cup of oatmeal. Place mixture in a springform pan placed directly on a serving tray. Chill in refrigerator 2 to 3 hours. To decorate the top of the cake: Place one fried egg in the center. Use one can of sardines and 4 ounces of cheese, cut into matchsticks, to form spokes radiating from the egg. Place 5 hot dogs, sliced into coins, to fill the spaces between the spokes. Finally, use one package of broccoli cole slaw to garnish around the platter. Keep chilled. Serves 8 to 10 dogs.

Politics as Usual

It's not nice to fool Mother Teresa
Mother Teresa's lawyer asked perennial candidate Sam "Texas" Fayad to stop implying that she endorsed him by running her photo in his campaign flier under the headline "Good People Think This Man Should Be Your City Councilman."

Sam "Texas" Fayad only wished he'd thought of it
City Council candidate Herschel Smith distributed 50,000 "prayer rocks" along with his campaign fliers.

Not to mention brutishly uncomprehending
At a Chinese New Year festival celebrating the Year of the Ox, Harris County Republicans distributed pamphlets asserting that "Republicans have a strong connection to the ox, which symbolizes perseverance and hard work in all endeavors in the field. Like an ox, Republicans have a great sense of responsibility, are likely to be thrifty and tend to be stubborn."

That's exactly what scares us, Jerry
Declaring himself a candidate for land commissioner, state Senator Jerry Patterson suggested his authorship of the state's concealed handgun law made him a front-runner, saying, "I suspect that of 145,000 concealed handgun licenses, most of them are voters in the Republican primary."

When faced with an ignorant Yankee, I rely on: A) my shotgun; B) the closest jug of moonshine; C) the self-esteem bestowed by claiming a proud ethnic heritage

After a Yankee Senate aide referred to backers of a Tom DeLay plan to overhaul federal highway funding as "hillbillies," the majority whip from Sugar Land proudly urged colleagues to take a "hillbilly test" to see if their states had reached "hillbilly-hood."

Hillbillies vs. Cheeseheads
During congressional debate over finance reform, Tom DeLay and Democratic Representative David Obey of Wisconsin cursed and shoved each other, appearing ready to trade blows until an aide stepped in to separate them.

Don't worry, we will
City Council candidate Dave Wilson's web site contained a link to the web page he had previously set up to fight affirmative action, because, he explained, "I want people to identify me as that same yahoo."

Et tu, Lupe?
In April, at Rob Mosbacher's mayoral kickoff, civic activist Lupe Fraga introduced him as "the next mayor ... my friend and compadre"; but several months later he switched his endorsement to Lee Brown, saying, "I really didn't know who was running."

It was Lupe Fraga's idea
Rob Mosbacher invited City Council members to his campaign kickoff in Sam Houston Park, just across the street from their City Hall offices, and offered them free transportation.

Memo to Joe: Think Hugh Grant
After state Senator Drew Nixon of Carthage was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop, Houston state Representative Joe Nixon worked the floor of the House telling folks it was that other guy, lamenting, "It would be terrible if people thought I did it."

Gee, she would have fit right in
City Council candidate Karen Kay Christopher, a nonlawyer who represented herself on charges of refusing to return a rental car, was repeatedly held in contempt of court for making improper statements before being convicted, ordered to jail for six months, slapped with another 380 days for contempt, fined $250 for filing frivolous lawsuits against prosecutors and police, then hit with another 30 days for contempt at a sanctions hearing.

There's a reason the story broke on April 1
Channel 13 TV news anchor Bob Boudreaux announced he is thinking about running against County Commissioner Steve Radack in 2000.

Well, at least he got his adjectives right
City Council members complained that John P. Trotter, creator of an Internet site opposing the city's new restrictions on sexually oriented businesses, had misrepresented their voting records while posting their home phone numbers and describing them variously as "silly Gracie Saenz," "wicked Martha Wong," "ridiculous Judson Robinson" and "catatonic John Kelley."

You can take the boy out of the Washburn Tunnel, but....
Robert Lee Nichols, the former small-town mayor who was nominated by Governor Bush to the Texas Transportation Commission, defended his knowledge of urban traffic issues by citing the first ten years of his life spent living near the Washburn Tunnel in Pasadena, plus the semesters he once spent in Texas City and South Houston for an engineering program.

Surprise, surprise
When bribery and conspiracy indictments in last year's City Hall sting finally came down, secret FBI tapes showed pivotal figure Ben Reyes, the former councilman and state representative, bragging to two cash-flashing undercover feds, "We're going to go and purchase us some leaders, 'cause that's what it takes, I mean, I never did it for nothing."

Is this what they mean by "the banality of evil"?
Those indictments asserted that Reyes passed $1,500 in sting cash to Councilman Michael Yarbrough in the men's room at Carrabba's, and $2,500 to former councilman John Peavy in the urinal of the restaurant at the Wyndham Warwick.

He was all out of toilet paper
After City Councilman Rob Todd sneaked into the Council chamber and wrapped Mayor Lanier's chair with yellow "Free Kingwood" banners left over from an anti-annexation rally, Lanier staffers canceled Todd's electronic access card to City Hall.

It takes a hot dog to know one
The ever-verbose and obstreperous Rob Todd, during one Council meeting, displayed on the rail in front of his seat a tiny replica of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.

Duh
City Council members, two of whom are under indictment and who, as a body, gave city workers a 3 percent pay raise this year, said they would accept an automatically calculated 8.4 percent pay raise for themselves.

Somewhere, Lurleen Wallace and Ma Ferguson are smiling
At the very last minute, Olympics-obsessed Councilman John Kelley withdrew as a candidate, leaving a clear field for his totally inexperienced wife, Jean, an art teacher, to run for his seat.

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