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Alison Cook looks back at 1996: Year of the Rat

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Who says justice is dead?
Those cat-bashing teens from East Bernard -- the ones who clubbed a ballfield mascot to death with baseball bats -- were given probation for their crime, only to be summoned back to court when two of them were arrested for shoplifting snuff at Wal-mart.

(Please Mess with My) Toot Toot
Record producer Huey P. Meaux, whose last national hit was "(Don't Mess with My) Toot Toot," fled to Mexico after a raid on his Houston studio yielded more than 1,000 Polaroids showing Meaux in sexual encounters with girls as young as eight.

That's because he's never stayed at the EconoLodge
When Metro chairman Billy Burge was criticized for his lavish spending -- including stays at the Ritz-Carlton and traveling into the Virginia countryside to dine at L'Auberge Chez Francois and The Inn at Little Washington, the area's two top-rated restaurants -- he said in his defense that he was "not aware" that staying at the Ritz-Carlton might cost more than other hotels.

As may your expense account
Criticized for Metro's $630,000 buyout of its staff attorney's contract, Burge conceded that "it may be viewed as generous."

How can we miss you when you won't go away?
Although state law mandates that Burge's term as Metro chairman expired in May 1995, he refused -- with the collusion of county commissioners whose precincts had benefited from his reign -- to be dislodged from the post when County Judge Robert Eckels wanted to replace him.

Boss of the year
Robert Salazar claimed that his subordinate, Sandra Orellana, fell to her death from a hotel balcony where they were having sex on a California business trip. Salazar, who went to bed without reporting her fall, was questioned by L.A. police after simulations using a mannequin indicated her body should not have landed where it was found.

He shoots! He scores!
Ex-Rocket Vernon Maxwell, already appealing a jail sentence for flouting his court-ordered drug rehab program, was ordered to pay $1,350 a month to support an illegitimate child by one Houston woman and was sued by another for giving her genital herpes.

Crime & Punishment

I see a cast-iron pan ... I hear a sizzling noise ....
A west-side animal shelter asked a psychic to help recover ten purloined pot-bellied pigs.

He'd planned on hitting Sam Nuchia's house next
Jose Morales was allegedly helping himself to construction materials from an unfinished house just before dawn, only to be greeted by the shotgun-wielding next-door neighbor -- District Attorney Johnny Holmes.

High mileage
Houstonian Jesus Rodriguez was arrested in Roma after police found 30 packages of marijuana floating in the gas tank of his Ford Ranger.

He knew he should have chosen the "less dry" setting
Lynn Cardell Holland, dressed only in his underpants, was accosted by police while he waited for his clothes to cycle through the washer and dryer of the Montrose house he was burglarizing.

Mr. Holland, Calvin Klein for you on line one
The nearly naked Holland jumped through a window, barreled through a daycare playground full of three-year-olds, broke his elbow climbing a fence and was nabbed hiding under a deck; at Ben Taub's emergency room, still wearing only underpants, he fled into Hermann Park, where he was nabbed again.

After which imagemeistress Elyse Lanier chastised him for skewing our crime statistics

When Julio Martinez was spotted knocking out a window with a shovel, he fled to a nearby home, knocked down an 83-year-old woman and stole her car, went to his employer's house and stole a Camaro, wrecked that car, drove it into a Taco Cabana parking lot and was captured by customers and employees when he tried to steal a woman's van.

He would have used his voter's registration card, but he had mislaid it
Derek Calkins was arrested at his girlfriend's mother's house after he robbed a Pasadena bank by passing tellers a note written on one of the mother's checks.

Hi-Yo, Silver, away!
Two trustees working at the Ramsey II unit's horse barn escaped the prison on horses.

But Maxwell and Cassell didn't bite
Police arrested 108 suspects wanted on outstanding warrants by inviting them to show up to claim free tickets to a Rockets game.

He thought someone was calling to offer him Rockets tickets
After a burglar stole Rick Davis's golf clubs, cell phone and pager, Davis -- who has caller ID -- dialed his pager, left his telephone number and got a return call from the thief, who was arrested.

My answering machine can kick your answering machine's butt
Houston gangs obtained their own unlisted numbers and equipped them with answering machines, the better to swap insults, threats and obscenities with rival gangs.

Next time she'll call the Better Business Bureau
Linda Marie Davis was so mad at the inferior cocaine she bought from a dealer that she dialed 911 to complain about him, then waited at a pay phone for police to arrive.

Linda Marie Davis told him it couldn't fail
Todd Warren Fisher backed his truck up to a credit union's automated teller machine, chained it to his ball hitch and dragged the cash machine away -- all of which, including his license plate number, was filmed by the location's security cameras.

Plus an "Arrest Me" tattoo on his forehead
Police asked citizens to be on the lookout for burglary suspect Jeffrey John Manibusan, who has tattoos of a peacock, octopus and Mickey Mouse on his left arm, a picture of Jesus and a tribal marking on his right arm, a dragon on his back and a teddy bear with the name "Susan" on his chest.

If it can find another NFL team, all is forgiven
Two Houston federal prosecutors got in Dutch for distributing the dubious Quadro Tracker device, which the FBI has declared bogus; proponents claim it can be used to find anything from lost golf balls to contraband to hidden treasure.

Of thee I sing
James Edward Tyson shot a bald eagle, had himself photographed holding it trophy-style and took the film to be processed at Wal-mart, where an employee notified the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Fine: $20,000.

He was on the Ken Hoffman Diet
An HISD investigation into its cafeteria operations led to the arrest of an employee for pilfering Twinkies and cereal.

Her plans to impersonate an IRS auditor, a bail bondsman or Dan Patrick didn't work out

Elizabeth Prantil got probation for posing as an attorney and taking on a personal injury case.

And if that doesn't do the trick, they'll bring in Fuhrman and Vannater
The family of a teenager who was fatally shot while handcuffed in a police car asked a judge to delay the HPD's internal investigation until the family could bring in Dennis Fung, the hapless LAPD criminalist from the O.J. Simpson case, to evaluate evidence.

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